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it's all so incredibly loud //
The ship just seems so incredibly... quiet, without Ray. He knows he has no right to think that, he's not an OG member of this little crew, but he's learned the ins and outs of how they operate anyway. At first it was begrudgingly and now, as always, he finds himself in the crux of every stupid decision they make. He can scarcely remember the day he moved in now, some stupid quip about not playing dress-up; but it feels like a different lifetime. It was, wasn't it? A different timeline, anyway.
He hears footsteps past his doorway at every hour and he's learned to identify them all. The purposeful stride of Ava, the sharp staccato of Sara, the lumbering oafishness of Rory, the light and carefree steps of Behrad... and most recently, the high-pitched clack of Zari's heels. Most nights, he hides in here, drinks a fifth of a bottle or enough to sleep, whichever comes first. His priorities have shifted a bit since their jaunt out of time. It's the first truly selfish thing he's done in forever and he knows it was for Zari, too. It's what keeps the guilt from consuming him, though his fingers itch for a drink or a smoke. He bought another pack at some point, but it remains pristine in a drawer like an insurance policy rather than anything he intends to use.
The sound startles him, her heels outside his door. His heart pounds, trying to make himself wait and see if she'll pass by. Certainly, she would if he didn't intervene. He's not that interesting when he isn't doing magic, at least by his own perception. Yet she sticks around, she listens to him. He tries not to let it remind him of anything - or anyone.
At the last possible moment, he stumbles to the door, opening it with that unsatisfying Star Trek button. He misses wooden doors, tangible things. Convenience is all well and good, but he's an old-fashioned guy, and maybe just an old one, too. That's how he feels tonight anyway, taking a half-step into the hallway so that they nearly collide. He reaches out automatically to grab both her arms, feeling like he tripped and fell anyway, her eyes once again capturing his as he forgets to speak.
"...Hey." It's soft, betraying his vulnerability as well as the wetness in his own gaze. "You weren't comin' to see me, were ya?" Probably just wishful thinking, he knows, but when she rejects the notion he can just laugh it off like always.
He hears footsteps past his doorway at every hour and he's learned to identify them all. The purposeful stride of Ava, the sharp staccato of Sara, the lumbering oafishness of Rory, the light and carefree steps of Behrad... and most recently, the high-pitched clack of Zari's heels. Most nights, he hides in here, drinks a fifth of a bottle or enough to sleep, whichever comes first. His priorities have shifted a bit since their jaunt out of time. It's the first truly selfish thing he's done in forever and he knows it was for Zari, too. It's what keeps the guilt from consuming him, though his fingers itch for a drink or a smoke. He bought another pack at some point, but it remains pristine in a drawer like an insurance policy rather than anything he intends to use.
The sound startles him, her heels outside his door. His heart pounds, trying to make himself wait and see if she'll pass by. Certainly, she would if he didn't intervene. He's not that interesting when he isn't doing magic, at least by his own perception. Yet she sticks around, she listens to him. He tries not to let it remind him of anything - or anyone.
At the last possible moment, he stumbles to the door, opening it with that unsatisfying Star Trek button. He misses wooden doors, tangible things. Convenience is all well and good, but he's an old-fashioned guy, and maybe just an old one, too. That's how he feels tonight anyway, taking a half-step into the hallway so that they nearly collide. He reaches out automatically to grab both her arms, feeling like he tripped and fell anyway, her eyes once again capturing his as he forgets to speak.
"...Hey." It's soft, betraying his vulnerability as well as the wetness in his own gaze. "You weren't comin' to see me, were ya?" Probably just wishful thinking, he knows, but when she rejects the notion he can just laugh it off like always.
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"She gets... impressions. From people or objects. Visions, really. We tracked the rising darkness through her ability. Well, when we could decipher it anyway." Sometimes it was only helpful in retrospect, but still. "I can't imagine living like that, feeling that much all the time..." He has a hard enough time with the level he's at.
John closes his eyes and tries to enjoy the comfort she's dealing him, but all he sees are Manny's inhuman eyes in the dark.
"Manny - that's our angel - he told me to use her to beat the darkness back. Not like I had much of a choice, she wouldn't let me ditch her no matter how hard I tried." Sounds familiar, really.
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She's way off the plot now. Zari reels it back in by working out a particularly nasty knot with two fingers. She always focuses better when she's doing something productive. The name Manny doesn't ring a bell. Why should it? Very few angels are actually named in any text compared to the number that exist. Zari goes back to what she does know: very desperate girls.
"I know how much it sucks when someone hounds you day and night, but if she was that desperate for help? Better you than some creep who'd hurt her on purpose. Desperation attracts some really nasty people. There are way worse things you can do than fight darkness with your super awesome powers with a wizard, angel, and-." She cuts off as she realizes she has no idea what Chas does. "Guy who survives? What does Chas do on the team?" And lost the plot again.
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Zari always manages to put a positive spin on things and it honestly helps, though it's not easy to admit. She seems to agree he's doing the right thing by sheltering her, and he tries not to think about what might have happened if he hadn't eventually taken Zed in.
"That's exactly who he is. I bound 47 souls to his in a freak accident... or drunk spell-binding, whichever way you slice it. Think he's down to about 30 now, or was the last time I saw him." He laughs a little even while shifting towards her, not quite ready to make eye contact but getting there. "My one friend who hasn't died because he's died 17 times." Surely that's amusing to someone else, too. In an ironic way, at the very least.
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Her eyes go comically wide again when Chas' ability is mentioned. That is so alarming on every level. "Oh we are definitely never mentioning him or the fact you can do that by mistake. You're going to get kidnapped the second we land somewhere if that ever gets out." She makes a mental note to delete this from Gideon's hard drive later. Better safe than sorry!!
His joke pierces through the horror at what could happen. Zari has to breathe out an awkward laugh. It is actually is funny in like the saddest way possible. "Babe, that is so dark." And not completely accurate unless the Legends died a bunch of times. They'd mention that, right?
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"Thanks, luv. I try." He presses another kiss just over her heart before settling back against her to accept more treatment. It's no secret he doesn't take great care of himself, it's touching that she wants to fill in the gaps. "It'll be our secret."
He lets the pause run on, as always Newcastle dogs him and Gary's death is a particular lowlight in his constant bombardment of nightmare scenarios, but nothing jumps out at him as something she should know - it just felt unfaithful to the people he left behind not to mention there are still live people he gives a shit about off of this ship.
"Do you ever miss anyone from home?" he asks after another soft groan, ducking his head even more against her chest so she can move up to his neck, where he holds the most of his tension. John never thinks about the amount of trust he's placing in her, or that he specifically draws the line at this sort of intimacy with anyone else he's ever slept with.
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The question is a gut punch. Her frame tenses because she knows she won't lie to him after he laid bare so much of himself. It hurts to admit how pathetic she really is. "Never." Her voice is carefully detached. Zari focuses on working the nastiest kink in his neck. She's grateful he can't see her now.
"I wasn't exaggerating earlier. I don't really have any friends. Our parents really don't like me." She laughs like that's supposed to be funny. It's not so it dies quickly in her throat. She points out what she does have lest she sound like a complete loser. "The only person I've ever really had is Behrad. Even when we were at each other's throats, I knew he loved me deep down. It's just hard not to start buying in to what people say about your sister when even your parents agree with them. I didn't make it easy either. I was so angry he was hiding something from me; that he could steal our family totem and still get all their love. I took it out on him." The shame is pretty clear in her voice. She knows it was wrong. Misery loves company and any reaction from him was better than the way he looked at her at his birthday party. She felt like an annoyance to be tolerated when he was the only one who ever seemed to be genuinely happy to see her before. The anger was the only thing that kept Zari from losing it.
Zari sucks in a shaky breath and finishes the explanation. "That's part of why I stay. I want it to be like it was before he understood what they were saying. We were so happy back then, John. He was my baby and best friend all rolled into one." She smiles again as she recounts days sitting next to his car seat and watching cartoons with him. She remembers being there to pick him up when he wiped out on skate board he begged Zari to buy him in secret. Even as their relationship grew strained, there were still some good times like doing each other's hands before weddings. It's a relationship worth fighting for.
"I know he doesn't need me that way anymore, he's a superhero, but we can still be happy. I know it. I just need time to help him remember how great it was."
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"I've never had a brother, but I think that's normal," he reassures her, not like he has a true litmus for normalcy in any way, but he assumes that's how it would go. She's protective of Behrad but also of the relationship they've cultivated here out of their own time. It makes perfect sense to him. He's envied what they have in the past, and now he feels all the guiltier for it, grip tightening in her clothes though he doesn't want to interrupt the work she's doing trying to sort him out. "I get it, anyway... I mean, my dad hated me too."
It feels weird and out-of-joint to explain something his brain feels like she should already know. Something "she" was there for, but it wasn't this version of Zari he cares for so much. A friend he could commiserate with, sure, but nothing like this.
"Hold on," is the only warning she gets before he's popping up out of the bed and tearing apart the already-torn-apart room to find something. Something he's not even sure he'll find because of all the fucked up time shenanigans they go through. When his fingers land on the polaroid in his desk drawer, his heart hammers, hoping he isn't going to find a blank picture or some horrific scene on the front of it. When he pulls it out and it's unchanged he remembers to breathe again, making it back over to the bed and handing her the photo. It's of himself sat in an outdated pub talking to the pretty blond bartender behind the bar. "That's my mum."
Even though she looks about the same age as him or even younger. He sits back down on the outside of the bed and pulls her close again, hand winding tightly around her waist and chin tipping to rest on the top of her head.
"I got this balmy idea to go back and time and meet her - and beat the living hell out of my father." He actually was going to kill him, but he feels like he doesn't have to explain how this caused a paradox or how Zari-1 and the rest of the team had to come to his rescue. Mostly because he doesn't remember the details any more. "She died giving birth to me, and he blamed me for it. Called me 'Killer.'"
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And then he's gone. She waits patiently to see what exactly he's looking for. It must be important because she swears the only sound aside from her breathing are things falling to the ground. Zari soon sees she is right. She takes the photo carefully, holding it on the outside white edges to avoid harming the image. She'll need to digitize this later. That much is certain.
She knows who it is even before he says so. The resemblance is pretty clear. That's John's nose or she guesses the other way around. Those dark eyes definitely were passed along too. Zari continues to study this as she listens to him. It's the last part that drags the memory out.
The only real sign anything is happening is how stiff Zari suddenly gets. It's like an out of body experience. She sees herself taking it to share Sara later, she hears someone who sounds like her accusing him of trying to get laid, and his reaction to all that. The scene skips ahead to him repeating the exact same words. It stops there; like her body can't sustain the connection. Zari takes in a gulp of air. "You told me this before; her. You told other Zari about him." She blinks her eyes a few times, glad that vision left her paralyzed. She'd never forgive herself if she damaged the photo.
All that said, Zari feels like she should say this. She really gets the impression the photo was the apology from that brief exchange. It doesn't really seem good enough given how other Zari spoke in front of his mom. Madar, she thinks, would be so embarrassed if she knew that her daughter used 'panty-dropper' to shame a man around his family even if it was an accident. "Sorry, she called you a whore in front your mother and you know your dad being a total psycho." That last part she hadn't actually meant to say out loud. Some things you're not supposed to say about someone's parents even if they're true in her culture. Zari finds she can't really take it back so she gets indignant about it.
"And I'm not taking that back by the way. I don't know if you guys are really intense about your family too, but I'm sorry you'd have to be insane to blame a baby for something like that. Sure, maybe whoever delivered your child, but a baby? Psycho behavior. I have to call it what it is even if you're mad at me for it." John can want to beat up his dad and still be mad at her for calling him insane. She knows plenty of people who would do the exact same thing if given the opportunity.
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"She was there, yeah, but-" He wrinkles his nose, but bites into his lips and lets her have her rant. Though at first the apology annoys him, the rest has him fighting off a grin. "He's a right bastard, luv, call him whatever you please."
The way she defends him is sweet even if he doesn't totally see the reason for it. John reaches out now that they're sitting far enough apart to see each other's faces, taking her hand in his.
"Wasn't trying to start a fire here, I just wondered..." Or assumed, more like- that he was keeping her from something important. Typical narcissistic John Constantine, thinking of the world in his terms instead of seeing the bigger picture. He's kicking himself for it now. "Look, I try to leave the sap to those tossers." He throws his head back over his shoulder to indicate the morons they cohabitate with and he smiles softly, wrapping his other hand around her wrist and holding it between them. "But... at a certain point we make our own family. Whether we have to do to survive, or because what we're dealt is too bloody awful."
And as much as he tries to fight and squirm away from belonging to this place, the Legends are his family now. Zari and Behrad especially.
"Don't take it back, alright. As long as you're not asking me over for tea with your parents any time soon either." He couldn't be face-to-face with people who caused her so much pain and not want his pound of flesh for it, it isn't who he is.
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Zari nods, softly agreeing for a change. "This could be a good family. The whole reincarnated lover thing with Nate is still super weird, but all that aside? Everyone here listens to me. I never got that without a camera or paycheck in front of me before. It's nice." She grins brightly. "And big plus? They still love you even when you're super gross and weird. I'm fabulous, but you're kind of rough around the edges. You should really settle for them." She jokes, but also she's serious. Never leave them, John!!
It's a deflection for a necessary talk. Her eyes flit away guiltily. "I can't actually introduce you to them... ever by the way. They refuse to meet anyone I date. They're still salty I turned down every guy they brought around the second I turned 18. And then I crushed whatever was left of their dreams after I graduated college and shockingly still didn't want my end goal in life to be someone's pretty wife and resident baby-maker. Probably didn't help that I made all of them cry too." She grimaces and chances to look back at him. "If it makes you feel any better about being a part of my parent's endless shame, Behrad will have tea with you. He totally loves you. You should have heard his intro speech about you when he was showing me around. It was very flattering." Zari did not buy into it for five seconds though. She feels like he knows that already.
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"You can make me cry any time, darling." Somehow, he makes it sound romantic, but that's his superpower, isn't it? "Don't need to meet them when I know how amazing you are in spite of them."
Maybe that's what impresses him the most about her, really. She always makes the most out of a crap situation. John only ever manages to make things worse himself. When Behrad is mentioned, he's glad she can't see his expression. Love is very accurate for how he feels about her brother, not like it's so easy to admit when he hasn't even said that word to her yet.
"I think you should recite it for me now. Seems only fair."
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Zari reluctantly pulls her face away to meet his request. She sighs like she's being inconvenienced. "Fine, but let me get into character. And I'm not telling my side of the dialogue. You have to pay for a full scene." She winks just for the fun of it. Zari takes a breath, frees up one of her hands, and gets right into it. She actually can play a very convincing Behrad despite having a much softer voice. Really only his expressions and hand gestures being slightly exaggerated for dramatic effect.
"And this John's room. He's our magic guy. He's off having a magical adventure right now. You know keeping the forces of darkness at bay? He's cool like that. He'll be back soon. We just have to keep an eye out for him. He's kind of skittish so be gentle with him. You know like an alley cat? He's basically our stray cat. We have to leave him treats and be extra patient with him or else he runs away and hisses at us. It's okay because we know he loves us deep down and is just scared we'll hurt him like his previous owner. Long story, but all you need to know is no matter how much he hisses he has our backs so don't be afraid if he starts glowing and saying really crazy stuff. It's only hurts the bad guys. And hey you love cats! So be nice to him. I'm serious. Don't make him cry like that guy from the VMAs last year who had the same accent. His accent is real so don't try to catch him slipping out of character."
Zari snaps her fingers. End scene! She'll take her Oscar now!! "And then we argued for an hour if you were legit or doing some really intense method acting like that loser at the VMAs. I still owe him a favor so thanks for not being another annoying British actor. It was really inconsiderate of you."
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"That's okay, luv. I can't help but commit to a role." He pauses a beat before indulging in a bemused chuckle. "You should probably never go to Liverpool, then. Unfortunately, we all sound like this."
He tosses her wink back at her before gesturing for her to lean in like he has a secret to tell her, but then he presses a kiss to the rise of her cheek instead. It should be criminal how soft her skin is. Then he makes a little spinny motion with his free hand to try and get her to turn around. Reluctantly, he lets go of her hand when/if she obliges so he can rub her shoulders to pay her back for the impromptu massage he received earlier.
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"Shhh," he murmurs, leaning in to kiss the nape of her neck as he slowly works in over her clothes. "Just returning a favor." If she hasn't gleaned it by now, he's not the best at taking a compliment, even a flippant one.
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She snorts. "You really can't take a compliment, can you?" She groans as he hits a particular tense spot. "I'm gonna have so much fun with that."
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What does he have like three redeeming qualities tops??
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"It was a compliment if I tell you what I meant." Zari clarifies as her hands go to rest on the bed. "You're really sweet, John." She means that even with the excuse of just saying things to bug him ready and waiting to be used.
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He's glad she's facing away when she explicates. He knows she doesn't actually think he's a loser, well, mostly; but somehow she makes it sound like more than that and his face heats up though she's said nothing suggestive. The actual compliment gets under his skin, as annoyed as he is flattered, and he's sure that was her aim so he'll have to concede this round.
"Don't move," he implores softly, getting up once again to toss things around, though this time he knows exactly where the item is that he's looking for. He carts an ancient-looking bottle over to the bed before settling in behind her, obviously taking this very seriously. The oil he coats his hands with before touching her again smells vaguely of rose petals, and he lets the work calm him back down when he knows on some level she's teasing him. He's determined not to give in, not when this is something he can actually give her.
"Sweet, huh?" he asks belatedly, caught between bemusement and disbelief. His thumbs press into her shoulderblade, alternating between deep pressure and lighter touching to try and break up the painful knots for her as much as possible. Who knows when she'll get back to her masseuse!! "If you say so, luv." Only he could be so confused while literally giving something of himself she didn't ask for and didn't even know he could do just because he saw a way he could help and leapt at the chance to prove himself.
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Zari stays prone on the bed, smiling fondly as he effectively tosses his room apart again. She raises a brow at the bottle, but doesn't question it. If there's need more proof how stupidly in love she is already, it's the fact the woman with an established routine for maintaining her skin doesn't even blink at something foreign going on. Zari trusts him. It feels nice to be taken care of by someone who truly cares for a change after years of strange ones going through a sterile routine for an established fee.
She sighs contently as the scent hits her. Zari, unsurprising given her name, loves flowers. Half the perfumes in her room are just an odd variety of floral scents from all over the world. It would be relaxing enough to lull herself if not for those knots. Wow. She really should go back for a professional massage when she has the time. Zari groans softly as he hits them, but doesn't complain. She chuckles instead at how clearly he does not get it. Okay, time to spell it out for John.
"You're literally taking care of me without being asked to with fancy oil from who knows where, but you're right. Not sweet at all." She notes sarcastically.
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"I'm a wizard, of course I have fancy oil." Why do you think he smells like incense half the time??? Come on now. He carefully avoids talking about the taking care of her part, it's something he tries to avoid doing in general yet he seems to always take in strays. In this case, a whole ship full. But of course, his relationship with Zari is so much more than that. "Feeling any better?" he asks in that lower register only reserved for her after a few moments of working her sorest muscles. He continues rubbing in lighter circles and leans in to kiss her neck affectionately.
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"Honestly? Yeah. This feels amazing." She takes in a deep breath and exhales through her nose. "Can we just keep doing this forever? Being a time-travelling superhero is so overrated. People should really learn to fend for themselves so we can be doing more important things." Like spoiling her. :)
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He smiles at her suggestion, wishing it were that simple. Sometimes when he's with her - like right now - it almost feels like it could be. Almost.
"You'd bore of me doting on you all the time," John points out while not believing it for a second.
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Zari does know it isn't that simple. She reluctantly admits, "I'd feel bad after a couple of days. That guy with the glasses would probably get Mick to break down the door before that." He is pretty needy. Since Zari has no idea what stunts Gary pulled with her brother, she just regards him as a strange man child they've all seemed to have collectively adopted.
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"Unfortunately, I've probably taught him enough magic to do it himself." And isn't that a scary thought? "What do you think is the maximum amount of time we could disappear without the villagers gathering their pitchforks?" He's genuinely curious now, though he's never been the type of person to 'vacation.' Maybe he has a reason to now.
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