nifties | I'm way too young to lie here forever⭐️

She makes him forget too, even with how much scotch he drank in the car he still seamlessly remembered how to disarm those traps he laid down ages ago now - for him anyway. It makes him remember other things, about the life he had here.

"What?" he calls as he comes back into the room, smiling at the image of her checking her appearance with Jasper in the frame. "No, no. It's not like that," John assures her, taking a deep breath as he lays eyes on his old friend. A part of him had been scared he wouldn't be there anymore.

"Come here." It's an urge as he pours her a fresh drink and sets cutlery down just in time for a younger version of himself and Ritchie to come into view, laughing silently about some dumb thing he'd said or did, no doubt. When Zari obliges, he forces himself to tear his gaze away from the scene, both hands seeking out hers. "That mirror... it's out of joint with time. And it used to be the only thing in my life I could say that about."

He chews on his lip, unable to keep the smile from growing though it's terribly wan.

"Jasper was my best mate, and well, you know what happens to those. I'm glad you get to see him finally even if he can't see you."

She gets up at his cue and doesn't regret it. It is an unexpected treat to see a younger version of the man she loves, but his friends? That's even sweeter. She greedily takes in the sight, scanning all their faces. She is not an artist like Behrad, but she'll remember them. She has to in the way all people in love have to know who they are in love with on every possible level. Her hands take his absently as she watches them as if by instinct.

Zari hears every word, of course. She reluctantly looks away to see that expression on his face as he tells her about Jasper. She smiles sadly at that even if it feels like such a gift to have that shared with her. "Me too." She glances down at their joined hands to Jasper. "I know I said you don't have to tell me everything, but I love it when you share these things with me. It makes me feel like I could belong with you anywhere." Which is weird for a time traveler, isn't it? That's the rub: they belong everywhere and nowhere at all.

Zari leans in to capture his lips in a quick kiss. A part of her selfishly wants it on record somewhere that they were here and loved each other even if it can never exist elsewhere.

He recognizes the kiss instantly for what it is and kisses her back enthusiastically without trying to push for more, if only because it's really important to him that she eats. When they pull away, his smile has turned amorous, forgetting Jasper for the moment and rising again, brushing his lips across her forehead as he reluctantly lets go of her.

"Eat, please. I'm going to get some firewood." He gestures again to the rapidly cooling food, taking a swig from his flask to keep him warm in the surprisingly brisk night air. Maybe he's just gone soft from living in a totally climate-controlled environment 24/7. John is back soon, stoking the flames as she hopefully fills her belly. After a few moments, he's finally warm enough to strip his tailored jacket off and join her on the sofa to pick at his own meal, styrofoam container resting on his lap as he watches her intently. He hasn't noticed the bit of soot that transferred to the top of his cheekbone yet either. "How is it, luv? As good as a lukewarm chicken from the case at the shops?"

Even with bare legs, Zari is never truly cold. One of the perks of dressing to impress versus practical: she's used to that vaguely numb feeling that comes from exposed skin. Actually none of it is surprising, is it? She wouldn't even eat a real meal if he wasn't prompting her too right now. She's a collection of programs to ignore her needs making her both like John and his complete opposite. She denies while he indulges.

All that said, Zari does grab a seat and start picking at her food. Well, she starts by picking. By the time John arrives Zari is most definitely eating it with the zeal of someone who hasn't eaten in a while. Accurate tbh. "Mmm... better. The seasoning isn't just pepper and salt." She notes between bites, humming softly from the pleasure of it. Her toes fan out to catch some of the warmth of that fire and regain some feeling. "This is nice." She glances his way and chuckles softly. "You're already getting dirty. I knew you couldn't hold out."

John can't help but smile widely at the praise, trying not to put pressure on her though it's impossible for him not to take in the scene. He snorts at her rejoinder, wiping at his face with the back of his shirt sleeve and only succeeding in dirtying that and smearing the black across his face. Oh well, close enough.

"Let me get some of that," he says while brandishing his fork towards her meal. He waits for an answer if only because of her strange relationship with food. He'll replace what he takes with a few of his asparagus since he can't remember at the moment if salmon is halal. "Oh, I don't know. We could've been in a parking lot by now, watching all sorts of colorful people."

It is nice, in other words. Though maybe that's a reference to John actually missing being a part of the world, even if he's never truly lived as one of the rabble. He'd never admit it anyway and he sets his elbow on her knee to stay connected as they eat.

Her smile is impossibly fond as he makes it worse. What a ridiculous man. What does it say about her that her heart swells at his antics? Zari shifts her container towards John to oblige. It actually brings back sweet memories of family dinners pre-Behrad. It just makes this night all the more special for her. "You really want to hang out with me in a parking lot." Zari notes with a chuckle before digging into that asparagus. She can't even begin to get why. She thinks she could take some pleasure from existing in a space with John without anyone knowing her. It actually sounds kind of sweet in her head.

"We could stay until tomorrow afternoon. Hit up the store for breakfast, loiter like some street kids from the 90s..." Zari doesn't even know what she'll wear. This actually sounds fun. The influencer takes a long sip of her drink as she thinks over the logistics. That brain of hers never seems to stop.

"I'd hang out with you anywhere," he reminds her though that should be readily apparent already considering they live together on a time ship and regularly "hang out" in all sorts of wild places. Somehow, an Aldi in Atlanta circa 2015 seems like their most exotic adventure yet. It does sound fun, somehow, though it is a bit nerve-wracking to think he might be the one running into someone who knows him for a change. Which brings him back to their conversation from the restaurant, unfortunately. "And, uh... maybe you were right. About Chas."

It's clearly uncomfortable for him to admit and he sets down his dinner so he can turn towards her.

"When I told you before that he was my best mate, but I wasn't his? I guess I've gotten into a habit of only calling on him when I need something. Which is a habit I've been trying to break, in general, so. Maybe, if he's up for it, some time you two could... meet one another. In a non-life-or-death-threatening situation." He makes a face to get across he indeed knows how bad this sounds.

She rolls her eyes fondly at the reminder. Zari knows!! He drilled it into her brain pretty thoroughly. The rest softens her immediately. She stops eating so she can really focus on what he's saying. Zari couldn't be more proud of him by the end. It's not easy to admit you're wrong much less do better. Zari ought to know.

"I'd like that." She smiles at him with a mixture of pride and admiration. Since it is Zari, she's quick to jump to the next thing. "Oh! You have to tell me what he likes. I can't show up without a gift for your best mate. It's very tacky." She confirms before taking a bite of chicken. There's actually a little pair of star earrings in a safe somewhere meant for Natalie. That's a secret Zari thinks she'll take to her grave... or totem prison. Whatever.

Usually he's the one making google eyes at her, so when it's focused on him he isn't quite sure how to react. Though her follow-up is so Zari he can't help but laugh out loud. Well, that and the fact that he drank too much too quickly already and they're not even halfway through the night.

"He's never been big on gifts... though maybe we could pick up something for Geraldine. That's his little girl." The way his voice tightens it's obvious he misses her. He always has had a soft spot for kids, as anyone who's ever met Astra knows. "Not that her mum will probably let me anywhere near her." It's sad, but understanding, considering everything he's put well, everyone through. Always.

It makes him think of Jasper's girl and just then he catches a glimpse of Liv in the mirror. A shiver traces down his spine, and maybe it's not entirely from the cold this time.

After a long beat, John produces lamely, "And he likes hats."

Zari frowns at that sound. It makes perfect sense though. John loves Astra so deeply. He can't imagine he feels any less for this girl. She nudges his leg with hers. "You let me worry about that. I can talk my way into anything." That's a promise. She'll find the right angle for his sake. Maybe... okay he probably deserves whatever that woman is dishing out. Zari is willing to bet that girl probably misses him too. She'd do it for her sake if nothing else.

(She misses the bit with Liv by being too caught up in John.) "Okay so hats and.... hm. How old will she be when we see them? I'll do research. His wife will need something too." Zari finishes off her meal as she meticulously plans it all in her brain. "Do you have a picture of them? I could get some ideas from that."

"Renée likes daisies. Chas bought her enough of 'em after I kept him out all night hunting demons." John shakes his head. "Ex-wife."

He hangs his head, running hands through his hair. Does he even know how old Geraldine is?

"Seven. No, eight. No- what year is it again?"

John gets up suddenly, remembering something as he starts to tear into one of the bookcases, pausing a minute to turn on the oil lamp on the drafting table. He swallows when his eyes alight on the scrying map next to it, forcing himself to look away as he drops book after book on the floor carelessly before finding the one he's looking for.

"There you are, sweetheart." Yes, he's talking to the book. He flicks through before grabbing the polaroid hidden in some obscure tome about merpeople, dropping that one too as he heads back to hand Zari the picture over the back of the couch. It's old and yellowed, depicting Chas and Renée in front of an old-school British taxi. He's in a cornflower blue suit with his signature flat cap and she's in a fluffy pink prom dress with a gerber daisy corsage.

"Oh." Zari frowns at the mention of the ex. No one likes to hear about a marriage falling apart. She makes a mental note about the daisies before reminding John they are in 2015. She sets her container aside as she watches him tear through books with a soft laugh. He's as over the top as ever.

She wipes her hands with a napkin before taking the Polaroid of Chas and his future ex-wife, forever paranoid about the delicacy of physical photographs. She smiles widely the moment she lays eyes on the pair. "Ohhh... look at them, John! They're so cute!" She says like he didn't take it out of a book in his library. Zari is a sucker for a good picture. This one gives her a pretty good idea of what to expect. "He has such a sweet face. I bet Geraldine adores him. He looks a teddy bear." She glances back at John. "Oh! Do you mind if I scan this? I'll stick it on the Waverider server, I promise." It is the same place she put the scan of his mom. Better safe than sorry!

His expression softens as she fusses over the picture, nodding to her suggestion as he idly flicks some hair off of her shoulder.

"Oh, he is. He wouldn't want you to know it, though. Barely says two words most of the time." John breathes in her scent, catching his own eyes in the mirror at the image they make, perfectly domestic. He hurries to stand after seeing that, going back to the table to retrieve the lamp. "I'm going to make some tea so we can make a dent in those doughnuts."

Predictable as always, he wades back into the kitchen with the light to see if he has what he needs.

"Got it. I'll pretend he is very tough and cool when we meet." Zari reassures him as brushes her hair back. She goes for her cell phone once he gets up, wondering what the rush is. "Okay, sweetie." Her eyes narrow a second before letting it go. She has a photo to scan and send to the Waverider for safekeeping.

She takes the time left to pick up the books and put the photo back in what she thinks is the right one. When he returns, her box will be open and ready for consumption while she casually scrolls through her phone, messaging fans out of the blue on Catchat. Their excited responses are always the best way to kill time.

He manages to get the stove lit and locates a box of PG at the back of a cupboard and sets to work. It's so odd to be back here, and even stranger without Zed and Chas. It's impossible not to think of all the carnage he's left behind here in 2015, and he still doesn't feel totally ready to make amends.

John doses his tea with a healthy pour from his flask and takes a swig for good measure before carting the cups back out to Zari. He's relieved to find her catching up with her followers rather than focusing on his squirrelyness. He leans over her again to kiss her forehead soundly, handing her a mug before realizing it's his and stealing it back and handing her the other one.

Content enough to let her carry on, he settles into the opposite side of the sofa, drinking and watching old snippets in the mirror as he'd done so many times before. He gets a bit lost in it before remembering to grab for a doughnut, likely around the same time she does.

It is fun to do an unofficial AMA with her fans. She hears some cool stories about what people are doing (studying for tests, waiting for their train to come, hanging out in parks, pausing their games to chat with the Dragoness etc.) as she explains what she is up to. There are a lot of requests for pics of John, but they accept the compromise of showing their sweet haul and a selfie of her anniversary outfit.

By the time he is back, she's working to wrap things up, leaning into his kiss, but otherwise too occupied to chat. (Her nose does wrinkle when she gets the wrong cup.) She signs off with a quick goodbye message, carefully zoomed in to only catch her face, and a cute heart gif. It's only then she takes a sip of her lukewarm tea and goes for her pink treat the same time John goes for his selection.

She smiles fondly at John, nudging his leg with her heel. "I've got warn you the last time I ate one of these, I got flashbacks to Warrior Zari so don't freak if my eyes glaze over for a second." She notably doesn't bite in yet because she has to ask. "Where did you go?" Zari can see he is in another world right now. She wants to draw him back into hers even if she might have to vacate for a minute.

John snorts at her warning, though it isn't really funny so much as just true. He picks up his doughnut and tries to ignore his own flashbacks, but it just isn't that simple.

"A lot of things have happened in this house," he manages before taking a bite, a bit of chocolate frosting transferring to his lip. If she has her last doughnut pinpointed down to the second, it's probably been at least twice as long for John. He shakes his head as his tongue sweeps across his lips to chase the sweetness. "I never used to be able to forget. I would beg... God, whoever was listening, I didn't care. Just for a second of peace."

It's why he's done a lot of the things he's done, just to tune the rest out. His eyes bounce back up in the dim light of the fire, meeting hers and praying the same futile way that she'll be able to remain in the driver's seat just this once.

"Now, it goes in and out. And I beg that I won't ever forget. Especially not my part in it all." Maybe it sounds like the ravings of a mad man to Zari, but he had to get it out eventually, and she did ask.

Zari makes a point of waiting for John to come out with it before eating. Maybe it's a self-fulling prophecy. She'll get the flashes because she expects them now. Her heart aches for him despite the underlying fear. She understands in a very different way. The kind of regret he feels comes from the past year. She wishes she could forget Behrad on that cold floor and knowing her selfishness got him there. John has so many more moments like that.

The not forgetting is harder to relate to. Zari gets it in her brain, of course. Those who fail to learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them. It doesn't sound insane to her so much as sad. She leans over to press a kiss to his shoulder. "We know your mind has taken a beating. I don't think even if we got Gideon involved we'd be able to fix it." That's tough to admit, but she thinks accurate. He broke time once. Zari has to think a lot of what he is going through is the result of that though the shock therapy couldn't have helped once the additional damage was heaped onto his brain.

Her lips quirk up as she continues. "I think it's brave that you want to hang onto the truth, John." She points out proudly. Zari wishes she had that same bravery considering she is avoiding biting into a treat because of a life that's both hers and isn't. She reluctantly tears her eyes away from John's to do it. It is pure bliss until predictably it triggers another wave of images associated with eating. This time she sees her other self chomping down on a glazed doughnut while reading over sheet music. She sees herself learning to play the violin of all things over what seems like an extended period on the Waverider.

Zari blinks her dry eyes rapidly once it is done, washing down the treat with some tea, before going to eat again. It's much better the second time around since it is image-free. She doesn't bother to say what happens. They're talking about John. Does it really matter anyways? Just another skill to add to the mix.

It's hard to hear even if he knows she's right. And there is some type of comfort in knowing she still loves him despite knowing there are pieces of him that can't ever be repaired.

"She's brought me back from the brink a few times, so." He has to believe if she could have fixed him she would have. His eyes flutter at that kiss, but as much as she wants to focus on only him he'd have to be blind (or not incredibly tuned into her like he always is) to not notice the way she slips away for moments. It helps he was anticipating it as much as she was. "What did you see?"

He certainly doesn't want to talk about how she's proud of him when he doesn't feel like she should feel anything of the sort while getting a glimpse of his former life. John scratches at his nose and deliberately puts a tiny bit more distance between them, not going for a second bite until he gets this out.

"I need your advice on something. While we're here." They're not supposed to do anything to impact the timeline even the tiniest bit, but anyone who has ever met him knows he literally never stops thinking about doing just that.

Zari nods. She remembers the drama surrounding John's cancer acceleration even if she never saw the man during it. It taught her something before she even knew John: Gideon had her limits. She couldn't cure cancer back then. Those limits became clear as her time with the Legends went on. She couldn't repair a severed thread no matter how Zari begged her to. She clearly cannot undo however John's brain adapted to the shock therapy and trauma of a broken timeline. She makes peace with that if only because she's done her research. John can have another nine years if his cancer goes untreated. She can work with that. If his mind goes, well, she'll work with that too. They'll have to pry him out of her hands the way they did Behrad. That's another thought that goes unsaid.

His question elicits a sigh through her nose as she swallows her doughnut. "Not sure how much sense this will make, but I think Warrior Zari got trapped on the Waverider for a while and taught herself how to play violin while eating her weight in doughnuts. That's a thing I can do now apparently." She feels like there's more to it. Zari thinks she'll probably need to figure out the context at some point. Tonight is about them and not the mysteries of another life she once had.

Zari notes the distance he puts between them. She doesn't have to ask since she knows he'll give it up soon. "Okay, I'm listening. What's on your mind, sweetie?" She'll just start her second doughnut while she waits.

It's like his brain tries to start processing what she's talking about, but stops right before he actually remembers. It still gets a soft smile from him, picturing his Zari playing a symphony on her own. John takes a bite of his doughnut before he can forget it exists and sets it on top of the box half-eaten so he can focus on what he needs to ask her.

"Jasper has a daughter. Olivia." He swallows, looking down at his lap. "I already tried to get her tied up in my mess once, but- this place is rightfully hers. And I'm not using it."

Slowly, he looks back up, eyes imploring her for the honesty she always deals him. He listens to Zari unlike everyone else in his life, for better or worse.

Zari finishes her second doughnut while he talks. She's glad he came to her with this. She thinks she has a unique perspective as a daughter without even knowing Liv's situation with hers. "Do you think having this place will help her?" Zari holds up her hand to skip to the point. "I'd offer it back to Olivia. Whatever she decides to do with it is up to her. I'm not close to Baba, but if he were dead like he was supposed to be?" She lets out a soft, broken chuckle. He's not a great father by a long shot, but that doesn't stop the dagger from piercing her heart every time she processes Warrior Zari's disbelief that their family could be alive. She's dreading the day she remembers that one.

"I'd want whatever I could get of his. I'd hate whoever kept it from me. Even if it was dangerous." There was a bear trap earlier. Zari isn't naive enough to think there isn't more magical dangers around. John can prepare her for that if she wants it.

"I..." He shrugs hopelessly. If he knew the answer to that he wouldn't be asking Zari. He can tell her what he does know, while filing away that tidbit about her father, of course. "I tried, Zari. I gave her Jasper's amulet, she has his gift for seeing through the veil. She just didn't like what she saw on the other side."

Because Jasper had never prepared her for it, nor had her mother. Maybe this one isn't totally on him, but he just hates the thought of letting this place rot into the ground or worse yet: falling into the wrong hands.

"She knows it's dangerous firsthand, and she hasn't been back to claim anything. So maybe... maybe it's a non-issue, yeah? I can't make her pick up where he left off, but I promised him I'd look after her, and I can't help feeling like... I failed him." John looks up in time to catch Jasper getting up to leave the room again in the mirror, feeling the chill of the night start to creep back in. It gives him something to do, so he gets up to keep the fire going, happy to not be facing her as he explains further. "She never knew him while he was alive, so I'm sure it's... overwhelming, to say the least. I expected too much from her, I just hope she's safe. Probably safer without me trying to meddle again."

Zari hears him out. It sounds familiar to be honest. She has no idea what seeing behind the veil entails nor does she think to ask. She does have some advice for him. She gives it with some frustration as he goes to keep the fire burning. "You know you don't have to wonder. John, you always go too far in the other direction. Think smaller." Zari dips into where she's coming from before going there.

"I didn't want anything to do with the totem even after it responded to me. I swear the thing practically begged me to wear it, but I didn't want the responsibility. I was totally happy to let Behrad play superhero until reality hit me hard." She needed to use it for John's sake. There was no way to talk her way out of the worst of the worst torturing and killing John and probably her once they were done with him. Zari doesn't regret it for a second. It took time to get there. She wouldn't be surprise if Olivia felt the same way.

"Maybe she'll never feel that way or maybe she already does. It's kind of awkward to admit you've changed your mind after the fact." She would know. "Just make yourself available. Give her a way to reach out if she needs you. No expectations or judgment. Just someone she can call if things get a little too real. Torturing yourself isn't going to keep your promise, John, but being a friend? Totally counts."

Smaller. When he's satisfied with the fire he turns around to stay sitting on the floor to face her, one knee drawn up into his chest. This is why he runs things by her, he thinks, and not literally anyone else he's ever met.

"So... do you think we should go over there? Tomorrow?" It feels like a big step even if it's really only a baby one in practice. Her mom will probably throw him out before he even gets to his spiel or leaving his card for Liv, but at least he knows now it's worth the effort. "After making a spectacle of ourselves at the grocery, I mean."

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